Thursday, April 23, 2009

MORE ON THE THYROID AND SUFFERING

Life feels so hard today. It feels constantly hard so often to me. My friend Courtney wrote a great comment at the end of the last blog post, and I want to say more about that, but I don't really have the energy right now. Look back for more another time, I hope.?.? I desire that in blogging about my thyroid stuff and how exhausting it is, it sets the stage for maybe one or two others to begin to be a little more honest about their emotions as they come to our Lord.

So I found out that the biopsy showed that it is not cancer and it is not even pre-cancerous cells. The secretary from the doc's office called, even tho the doc told me that she would call me herself. And she called yesterday morning when I was already having a terrible morning, and already ache-ing and tired and down and cold, and she just said its OK and gave me no other info and I said wait - please help me! I'm missing so much work and I am my own provider financially and I don't have any time off with this job and I already have two years of major doctors visits and health care debt that I have been working on, and please don't just leave me with that info, please tell me what to do next to try and find some relief! The doc took a lot of my blood for blood work last week and was going to tell me how my thyroid levels were and was going to adjust my medicine, but she still has not called me back like she said she would. I think I'll call her today until she does - but also even that feels overwhelming to have to call, and I'd rather try to hide under the covers.

Hiding doesn't work tho! When you come out, the world and life is still there, as hard as it is, to have to live. And I don't just want to survive, I want to LIVE! I want the peace and joy and contentment that comes from knowing our Lord and I want to fight for that. But what about when you don't have the strength to fight for that? I think that's what I'll write about in my next post.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

CERTAINTY AND UNCERTAINTY

So I still don't know what the results of the yucky I-felt-him-digging-the-needle-in-my-throat biopsy. I'm not sure if I want surgery or not. I really don't want surgery, but I don't want frequent biopsies either. This growth in my neck isn't the only uncertainty in my life right now. I feel like I mostly live at about 1 millimeter above being defeated. And its like I'll sink under the water, and just when I'm about to loose it, God pulls me up for air. He saves me again and again from being defeated. Maybe this is where I'm going to stay. Maybe not. but everytime I'm down under the water wondering where in the world God is, and how long is He going to leave me here, I seem to learn a little more about believing in the Gospel. I totally get the prayer, "I believe - help my unbelief." Our pastor preached Sunday about all that we can learn from suffering if we pay attention. And if we stop using all our efforts to just feel more comfortable, and instead use our efforts to seek God. I know I don't always find him right when I first seek him, but he ALWAYS shows himself to me.

A friend e mailed this and I firmly agree:

I really really believe that it is more than fine to doubt and question. It will only give God the opportunity to answer your questions and draw you close to him when you need him the very most. I hope that doesn't sound like "christianese" encouragement. But I really hope you feel the freedom to have a full range of emotions, including sadness and anger and fear. That is how God has made you. He has given you all those emotions. Do not be afraid to feel them and be honest with your Lord.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

NEXT THYROID UPDATE

Well the thyroid surgeon today told me what I think might be the worst news she could have told me. The ultrasounds confirm that I have "thyroiditis" where my body is slowly killing my thyroid gland. It will continue to produce up and down levels of thyroid hormone as long as it is in me, causing up and down levels of energy. However, they will not take it out until it becomes cancerous or grows so big that it sticks out of my neck. It will do both, eventually, because that's what it does - it becomes cancer and grows really big. But she kept saying its just not indicated to take it out until it reaches those points. She said it may take months or years. But in the meantime I will continue to have fatigue off and on. I didn't get any work in Monday, two hours on Tuesday, and 4 today (although the visit did take 3.5 hrs of my day - who knows I might have had the energy to work more). Sh also said that maybe this is just a really bad week and I'll get more energy, but she said there's no guarantees. She's taking my blood levels to see if we can adjust my thyroid medicine and see if that would help. Meanwhile, I have to keep getting my blood drawn, US taken, and biopsies regularly until it turns into cancer. Oh and I'll have a biopsy Monday at 1 and then won't be able to work the rest of the day after that. But she said its only 10% chance that my mass is cancer because its still pretty small, so I probably won't get to have the surgery yet. Meanwhile, I'll keep missing work and every time I do then I get more behind in the work I owe my boss, more behind in making money to live off of, and in more health care debt every visit I go to. I feel like I should go ahead and quit work, move to living on the streets, and apply for disability. I don't know how I'm going to be able to make a living like this. I seriously use ALL my energy right now eeking out a few hours of work, which isn't enough anyway. I get up way early to start pouring coffee in me, and when I come home I practically climb right in bed. Sometimes its a choice of using my strength to take a shower or cook a proper meal, because there's often no way I can do both. I'm very discouraged tonight.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

MY THROID ADVENTURE

Things are really bizarre with me right now. There's a "mass" growing in my thyroid and its sucking up nourishment from the rest of the thyroid. Its really making bizarre energy levels for me. Three hours ago I had already downed 6 cups of coffee, taken my medicine, eaten breakfast, turned on all the lights, and yet was laying there sobbing and asking Jesus to PLEASE help me get out of bed. And then two hours later I had a spurt of energy, took out the old cat litter, emptied all the trash, swept the floor, started a load of laundry, and cooked a meal. I feel so frustrated that I have more health care problems and more health care bills to deal with. It makes me feel so alone. Over the last week, I have at times totally felt at peace and known that the Lord is taking care of me. And then there have totally been times where I laid in bed with the covers over my head saying I just can't do this anymore - I HATE you God for giving me this life. I'm glad that Psalm 88 is in the Bible. I think its the very most comforting Psalm for me because it shows me that I can come to God with my deep confusion when I have total trouble remembering the Gospel.

More to come on the thyroid adventure....