Wednesday, May 06, 2009

LIVING COMBINED WITH SUFFERING

In the very middle of the mess and the depression and the discouragement and the frustration that I feel right now, I would still say what I said 4 weeks ago when life felt much easier - that I am CONVINCED that suffering and messiness is God's blessing to us. How can I say that? Not because I am some major righteous and holy dude, but because God has taught me that himself. For real, people, I am not solid in my faith at all. Don't go thinking I don't major-ly have trouble trusting that our Lord is good - I doubt his goodness to me in a heartbeat. But He holds onto me way more than I hold onto him. See its not up to me and that's the greatness in all of this. WE are so NOT capable of saving ourselves. That's why messiness and suffering is a blessing - because it shows us that. One thing I have learned is to take my emotions, whatever they are, to the Lord. If I truly believe he is Lord then he is more than capable of handling whatever I bring his way. So he is not rattled by my anger - even if it is misplaced anger. But if he is Lord of all, then I can ask why he let's me hurt so much while he is saying he loves me. And then he can answer like he did in Job, that he can do whatever he wants and still be good to me and I may not understand it all but he is still good. And I think about how Jeremiah the prophet thought God was so mean to him that it felt like God had raped him. He felt so hurt and betrayed by the Lord. And that's recorded in the Word itself. And God seems to not only let people ask things like that that seem insulting, but also he seems to welcome and encourage it because it happens so many times in the Bible. I'm pretty sure God wants us to learn from the examples in the Bible to share our true hearts with him, no matter how disrespectful it may seem. I really really see God leading me to start here with my pain every time - to start by telling him my true emotions. Even when those emotions usually end with frustration with Him for leaving me in my pain. Then what happens next?

I grow closer to Him.

I learn what my friend Courtney wrote about in a comment a few posts back - that Satan is the real meany.

I learn that have friends like my good friend Nisi at work saying, "Remember your Source baby, remember your Source. I'll help you have faith while you are struggling to find it."

Friends, I highly encourage this. You have to do something - you can't just distract yourself from pain with TV or housecleaning or food (some of my frequently chosen distraction idols) but you don't have to muster up some fake holiness. Its much easier than trying to pretend. And much good comes from it. Go to God first and foremost, no matter how you are, and He will help you see things His way, especially when you are really discouraged and angry, and someone telling you to have more faith doesn't seem to help at all.

4 Comments:

Blogger Emily M. said...

Thanks, Friend. God and I have been talking a lot today about me missing my brother's wedding and my other brother's commissioning and why He is letting this happen when the baby totally could have come in time. I'm still working through it. This post was really what I needed to read this evening.

5/06/2009 7:11 PM  
Blogger KYP said...

Well said! Ann Louise, you are an encouragement to me!

5/10/2009 8:23 PM  
Anonymous Lee said...

Just want to reflect on your specific situation--Hashimoto's thyroiditis can be tough. The good thing is that taking thyroid hormone really can diminish the number of thyroid antibodies in your blood, thus decreasing your inflammation and your feelings of fatigue. If your thyroid replacement is properly adjusted, you will probably start to feel some relief.

I have a thyroid nodule, and the testing was scary indeed. The good thing is that there is NO evidence that having autoimmune thyroid disease means you are more likely to get thyroid cancer. (This is the latest conclusion. Endocrinologists have gone back and forth--they actually used to think autoimmune thyroid disease was protective against cancer, but now it seems to be neither protective against cancer nor predictive of future cancer.) VERY few nodules EVER become cancerous, and thyroid cancer tends to be an easy cancer to FULLY CURE if it does become an issue.

Some dietary inclusions can affect thyroid function. If you're eating a lot of soy products, that can be toxic to the thyroid, for example. Mary Shomon has written many books about thyroid disease which talk about diet and are pretty good in terms of learning to deal with some of the issues, such as fatigue.

I think if you continue to feel so exhausted, it wouldn't hurt to see a rheumatologist to rule out any other autoimmune disease process. If you are having symptoms like rashes, achy joints, unexplained fevers, eye problems (such as dryness or corneal ulcers), extreme dryness of the mouth, or any neurological symptoms at all, etc etc, it would be even more important to have someone do the basic autoimmune bloodwork panels. I agree that living with suffering is part of God's plan for many of us (most of us, in fact) and it can really bring you so much closer to God--but I do hope you find a solution to your health situation.... Suffering is a part of life and there's enough to go around without suffering unnecessarily. Good luck.

6/26/2009 7:31 PM  
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