COMBINING WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT GOING TO UGANDA WITH THE BOOK OF JOB

OK so I am not going to be able to go to Uganda.

I was asked to go on a medical mission trip coming up in May to Uganda, and I was so very very excited about it! To give some history, I had wanted to go to Africa always - I'm not quite sure why, but I have always wanted to go my whole life. Then there was a foreign study trip in college to Kenya and Tanzania and I was all signed up. My best friend was going and I couldn't wait! I had to back out last minute because of my struggles with depression. I was depressed then and I couldn't handle the work and the trip. When this recent medical trip came up I said "Yahoo! God is going to let me go to Africa after all!" And then on top of that its with an organization I LOVE (Medical Campus Outreach - http://www.thesmi.org/mco.htm) and was so excited to go work with and serve the students and serve the people of Uganda. But I have not raised the $ I need to go, and more importantly, my body is not in a good physical place to go. I have been working on healing physically from some major fatigue for the past year and a half, and I am healing, but my body is still fragile and would have a hard time surviving with vaccinations, without my special diet, and without all the shots I get of supplements of vitamins I need. The long and the short of it is that its so easy to keep saying "Why God?" Why have you given me this life? Why do I have to defeat depression and fatigue? Why all the circumstances that fostered fatigue and depression in the first place? Why can't I go to Africa? Why do you do these things to me when you say you have my best in your actions?

It reminds me of what I learned when I studied the book of Job. Job wrestles with the why questions. And that is good and right to do because it is laying your heart before the Lord. He wants to hear our true heart. But then at some point (no cut and dry answers here) we are to stop asking why and trust God. At some point, it becomes a waste of time and energy to keep asking, because we are not going to know why. God tells Job basically "were you there when all the great things of the world were created? No. Well I was, and I know what I am doing. You can trust me, buddy. Calm down and just trust. I'm not going to tell you why right now. But it is OK. " And Job eventually says "I put my hand over my mouth." He realized that its time to stop asking why.

I am sure that there are cycles of asking why and then cycles of trusting and not asking. Its not a one time thing. So right now I am telling my heart to God about how I don't understand why he's given me my whole life the way He's given, but I'm also trying to stop asking why and to trust that He not only is good to me, he is doing the very best thing for me. What a hard journey life can be!