CHOICES

Well friends, I think I am making a shift in my blog writing. God is showing me how life is as much about being as doing. So my mindset is more on how we can BE a vulnerable church, not just ACT as a vulnerable church. I am sure that I will still write about doing, but I think mainly in the past I have written only about doing, and I want to learn to BE more, and God wants me to learn to BE more, and as that is the path I am on right now, I am sure it will reflect in my writing.

That being said, today I am going to write about something that struck me in a novel read on audio I have been listening to and just finished. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy is rather painful to get through, actually. Its 870 pages long and full of details. I'm pretty sure I've spread it out over 6 months because the abundance of detail at times has been more work than delight. But Tolstoy is great about writing on the everydayness of life and the sin of this fallen world, and I would say the book has sparked many thoughts and conversations with the Lord about how no matter what I try to do, I cannot make this world perfect. I can stress over my choices all day long, and yet still there is pain. And I'll miss the joy if I am only focusing on pain relief. The book basically tells of the selfish choices of Anna which ends in suicide, and the courageous choices of Konstantine Levin which ends in a conversion to faith.

At one point, Anna, who has committed adultery and has left her child in great pain in order to follow her selfishness and her lover, says this, "Anna knew that now, from Dolly's departure, no one again would stir up within her soul the feelings that had been roused by their conversation. It hurt her to stir up these feelings, but yet she knew that that was the best part of her soul, and that that part of her soul would quickly be smothered in the life she was leading." Anna eventually becomes a drug addict, goes mad, and then in despair, dies by throwing herself under a moving train because she doesn't feel loved enough by her lover, who actually could not love her more.

O Lord stir my soul and help me not to cave to assumptions and fear.