Saturday, February 28, 2009

COMBINING WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT GOING TO UGANDA WITH THE BOOK OF JOB

OK so I am not going to be able to go to Uganda.

I was asked to go on a medical mission trip coming up in May to Uganda, and I was so very very excited about it! To give some history, I had wanted to go to Africa always - I'm not quite sure why, but I have always wanted to go my whole life. Then there was a foreign study trip in college to Kenya and Tanzania and I was all signed up. My best friend was going and I couldn't wait! I had to back out last minute because of my struggles with depression. I was depressed then and I couldn't handle the work and the trip. When this recent medical trip came up I said "Yahoo! God is going to let me go to Africa after all!" And then on top of that its with an organization I LOVE (Medical Campus Outreach - http://www.thesmi.org/mco.htm) and was so excited to go work with and serve the students and serve the people of Uganda. But I have not raised the $ I need to go, and more importantly, my body is not in a good physical place to go. I have been working on healing physically from some major fatigue for the past year and a half, and I am healing, but my body is still fragile and would have a hard time surviving with vaccinations, without my special diet, and without all the shots I get of supplements of vitamins I need. The long and the short of it is that its so easy to keep saying "Why God?" Why have you given me this life? Why do I have to defeat depression and fatigue? Why all the circumstances that fostered fatigue and depression in the first place? Why can't I go to Africa? Why do you do these things to me when you say you have my best in your actions?

It reminds me of what I learned when I studied the book of Job. Job wrestles with the why questions. And that is good and right to do because it is laying your heart before the Lord. He wants to hear our true heart. But then at some point (no cut and dry answers here) we are to stop asking why and trust God. At some point, it becomes a waste of time and energy to keep asking, because we are not going to know why. God tells Job basically "were you there when all the great things of the world were created? No. Well I was, and I know what I am doing. You can trust me, buddy. Calm down and just trust. I'm not going to tell you why right now. But it is OK. " And Job eventually says "I put my hand over my mouth." He realized that its time to stop asking why.

I am sure that there are cycles of asking why and then cycles of trusting and not asking. Its not a one time thing. So right now I am telling my heart to God about how I don't understand why he's given me my whole life the way He's given, but I'm also trying to stop asking why and to trust that He not only is good to me, he is doing the very best thing for me. What a hard journey life can be!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

LOVING SOMEONE WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA

She can't even say the word correctly. And I knew her for 2 whole years before I knew she had it. She told me about going to prison before she told me she had schizophrenia. She always says that it doesn't affect her at all. But I have worked harder to show love to her than almost anyone in my life, and yet she can still turn on me in a minute, saying and believing I'm evil and hate her. But the rest of the time she calls me her little sister.

She has painted horrible untrue pictures of me to many many of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ at my church. She is frequently suicidal and I'd say at least every six months she tells me about wanting to kill herself. 99.9% of my conversations with her on the phone are about her pain and misery. I used to be good friends with her daughter, and now the daughter won't return my phone calls. I have no idea what happened unless it is that the daughter believed her paranoid rantings about me.

She never texts me, and last night at 4 am in the middle of the night, I got a text from her from a strange phone # that said, "Pray God, Jesus my brother, said where I am - Sister, I be home today." That totally sounded to me like a suicide note. That she was telling me she was going to be home with Jesus today. Given the fact that she talks about suicide so very often, I especially thought it was true. So I waited a while trying to get in touch with her. No answer. So I called 911. I just recently read as I was studying about mental illness how important it is to take suicide threats seriously and call 911 every time. How its not good to let them think you aren't going to do anything about it, even though it is often. I told the police exactly what the text said and they agreed they should go check it out. So then a little while later she calls me. I pick up the phone having wondered if I was going to have to go to a funeral soon, kind of mad at her, kind of scared for her, even kind of glad for her - a huge mixture of emotions. I answer the phone to her yelling at me. She's furious that I called the police, and she says she's going to loose her housing because I called 911 (which is NOT true because we have been through this before). I told her that I was sorry that I misunderstood but she said that she was going to be home and mentioned Jesus and I thought that was worth checking on her. She kept yelling and I told her I wasn't going to talk to her while she was yelling. She didn't stop, so I hung up on her like I said I would. I called her back a little while later and she didn't answer, and I left a message saying I was again sorry, but that I was trying to do the best thing because I love her. Thankfully, I didn't make the problem worse by yelling back, which is often tempting to do. So then she has called me, let's see, 9 times today and her messages say words like this: Ha ha I called the pastor and told on you; I think you are the suicidal one you dumb bitch; you m-f-er this is the end of our friendship; I've told all my family what you are and how you mean no good and they don't want me to talk to you ever again; you liar; God's going to take revenge on you....

I post this because it is very very very hard to live as a vulnerable church and to include every one, even those so very hard to love.