ONE AREA OF CONCERN FOR SINGLES IN THE CHURCH
Hi y'all. Sorry I've been neglecting my blog.
I'm kind of angry right now. I don't know if that's good for me to be writing angry, because I may be too honest. But that could be good as long as I'm tactful. So I'll write it and then see if I'll post it.
One thing that singles have to deal with (and I am one of them), is getting the feeling that we are dangers to the marriage of others simply because we are single. Some women shun us subtly because we are a threat to their marraige. Some men shun us not so subtly because their wives feel we are a threat to their marriage. Its hard to describe, because like I said, its not direct statements like "Sorry I can't continue to have this conversation with you because you are single and might threaten my marriage." But a lot of men won't ride in the car with me in order "to protect their marriage." I feel like a prostitute when they tell me that. Every time. It never fails. Its like a slap in the face when they say it no matter how confident I am in the fact that I am the Lord's at that moment. Just the avoidance of me by the husbands of others kind of sends that message sometimes. I think this is an area we in the church need to think about and pray about. Is there some way we can do this better? I know that we can't play with sin, but I have no attraction to any of the married men I know. Is there some way that we can relate and I don't have to feel like a prostitute just because maybe the root of the issue is that that man needs to love his wife better so that she is more secure??
posted by Ann Louise @ 11/26/2007 07:28:00 AM
4 Comments:
I'll ride in the car with you. :)
That's a good discussion, and I've never thought about it in the way you put it-- or from the perspective you offered. Thanks for that insight. I think you are right about the larger issue: we need to learn better how to relate together (marrieds with singles) so that neither party feels ostracized or imposed on.
For what it's worth, when it comes to the "not riding with another woman alone" rule, that applies to ALL women, not just single ones, at least for me. One pastor said it was, "any woman who is younger than my grandmother."
From my point of view, this is a protection of marriage, true-- but also a protection of your reputation, and a protection of the integrity of the church. When I meet with a woman in our church, for example, I have someone else in the building; this is for my accountability and hers; my reputation and hers, and to safeguard against any misperceptions that may be drawn by others about me, her, or the church in general.
There is a lot more at stake than just a marriage, and it doesn't take actual action for others to draw such conclusions. In other words, someone doesn't have to see two people kissing in order to conclude that they are together. Likewise, one needn't witness a married person with another (not their spouse) and conclude that something inappropriate is afoot.
Also, you may not be attracted to your married male friends, but that isn't to say they aren't attracted to you! And if they are put in a position to engage their minds in that attraction, it may cause them to sin-- against you and their spouse. So it could be that you accept this boundary from them, in deference to their (at least potential) weakness, out of love for them. You don't need to feel insulted by this; perhaps you could take it as a compliment, in a weird way!
Hey AL,
I never realized single women might feel this way. I appreciate your honesty about it and your willingness to broach this subject.
Doug and I have always made sure we don't ride with anyone of the opposite sex alone, whether they are married or single. We have done this as a protection for our marriage. That bums me though that we may have maybe made some women or men feel really bad. I would love to know how to protect our marriage, yet not make single women and men feel bad. Do you have any thoughts on how to do this?
Good thoughts y'all! And when I am not feeling freshly hurt by this, I see why so many men guard against danger by committing to never riding in a car with me or any other woman. It makes sense - I mean we have to draw the line somewhere. I think maybe the boundary can be set, but with some extra explanation to singles, or making up for it in some other way by inviting a single over for a meal, or something like that?????!!!!!
Thanks for your insight AL. Doug and I have been thinking about this and talking about this since I read your blog. This is important to us because we highly value our friends like you. And I do mean "we." I value you. Doug values you.
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